Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
