Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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