"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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