$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
