so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
