how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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