I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
