Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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