ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
