I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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