ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
