if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
