I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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