Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
