Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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