shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
