my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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