I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
