guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
