i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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