I think i peed on brittanys purse
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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