every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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