I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
