Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
