dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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