He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
