I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
