Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
