New invention idea: vibrating tampons
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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