I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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