Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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