I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
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If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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