So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
