my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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