Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
