Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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