This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
