I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just forgot I was standing up.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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