Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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