If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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