Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
