So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
