i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
