I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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