my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
