I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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