I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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