Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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