Got a toothbrush?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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