Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
