Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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