Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
