Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
