i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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