he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
