Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
this beer tastes like vomit already
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
